The Unanticipated Cost of Divorce

Wed, 29 Jun 2022 07:20:44 GMT

The Wrong Kind Of Help

Divorce does not make you a failure, or a bad or selfish person. It makes you someone who didn’t receive the right kind of help when you needed it most.

Struggling couples often receive marital advice that leads them in the wrong direction. This is because many well-meaning counselors work from an outdated counseling model that has been proven NOT to work, a model that had no basis in research to begin with.

Couples are told to identify their grievances and conflicts and use active listening techniques to process and work through them. These techniques do not work.

Conflict resolution is NOT the place to start when seeking to strengthen or restore a marriage relationship. Rebuilding your friendship is the right first step.

Put Your Conflicts On Hold

A couple needs to agree to set conflicts aside for a period of time in order to focus on reconnecting, renewing their appreciation for each other, getting to know each other on a deeper level, and learning to accept each other’s influence. Only then, can a couple begin to successfully address the issues that are causing conflict in their marriage.

I am not saying that all marriages can be restored, though I wish that were true. What I am saying is that many more relationships can be restored than currently are.

When I meet new people and they ask me what I do, I say, “I help couples build the skills they need for a strong, happy marriage and avoid the habits and behaviors that destroy relationships.”

If the person I’m talking to has been through a divorce, they will generally say, “I wish I had met you years ago,” or “I might still be married today had I met your earlier.”

Count the Cost

It is sad indeed when a couple does not realize how much they gave up until after their divorce is finalized.

They may believe it is the end of pain, but many times it is just the beginning of a different kind of pain that may include:

Expensive court battles over finances and custody
Your children grieving the loss of a full-time parent
Having a stranger, over whom you have no control, help raise your children
Deciding how to handle birthdays, graduations, holidays, and even the birth of grandchildren
The loss of friends who decide they cannot be involved in your lives without choosing sides
Financial hardship as one household becomes two
Regret and loneliness

It is true that ongoing hostility in a home is damaging to children. Success in school, friendships, ability to resist bad influences, college, marriage can all be affected. Unfortunately, a hostile marriage tends to lead to a hostile divorce and on-going hostility as the exes continue to interact with each other.

Exchanging One Set Of Problems For Another

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Marriages are made up of imperfect people. Every one of us has flaws, and weaknesses. We all make mistakes. We all need grace. We all need to ask for forgiveness and be forgiven.

If you end your marriage and marry again, research shows that you WILL, in fact, end up with a different set of problems.

Sixty-nine percent of all problems across all marriages are unsolvable. They are rooted in differences in personality, core values or lifestyle preferences. The key is to learn to live with these problems in such a way that they do not drain the love out of your relationship.

If you are thinking about divorce, or know someone who is, I hope that this article gives you a fresh perspective and encourages you to get the right kind of help.

Understanding Your Partner’s Hardwiring

Wed, 29 Jun 2022 07:16:59 GMT

Our Hardwiring Affects Everything

Each of us comes into the world hard-wired a certain way. This wiring affects how we perceive and react to everything around us.

It dictates whether we will be oriented to task or relationships, whether we will be fast-paced or more moderately-paced, and whether we will be energized by socializing or by spending time alone.

Differences Attract

We are typically drawn to a marriage partner whose wiring is different from our own. If we were both the same, one of us would be unnecessary. We intuitively know this.

Don’t Try To Change Me

Oddly enough, we marry someone who is different from us and then try to change them – make them more like we are.

The only person who can change us, is us. No one wants someone else coming into their life and trying to change them. No one wants to be pushed.

We fight for our free will and the freedom to be who we are. When we feel pushed, we will always, overtly or subconsciously, push back.

It’s As Hard For Me To Be Like You As It Would Be For You To Be Like Me

Being different makes life both exciting and frustrating. When our partner’s way of being starts to drive us crazy, it’s helpful to realize that it would be as hard for them to be like us as it would be for us to be like them.

Let’s say that you are a social butterfly. You love parties. You never meet a stranger. Your spouse, on the other hand, is much more introverted. They find parties a bit unnerving and exhausting.

You agree to stay at a party together for two hours. After those two hours are over, you are having such a good time that you pressure your introverted spouse to stay longer.

What is likely to happen? Not only will they look miserable. They will become completely quiet and not make eye contact with anyone. It will be as if they are there, but not there.

This will embarrass and frustrate you. You are also likely to “pay” the next day by being on the receiving end of your spouse’s silent treatment.

It is as hard for your partner to stay at a party for three hours as it would be for you not to be able to go to the party at all.

The beauty of a healthy marriage is that you allow each other to be who you are. Yes, you will compromise so that you can meet each other’s needs, but you will not try to make your partner something that they are not.

How We Are Different

My husband, Roy, does math and is focused on tasks.
I do language and am focused on relationships.

Roy is good at everyday life.
I am good at planning and having fun.

Roy feels happy when tasks are done.
I feel happy when I can put a task off till tomorrow, or the next day, or even the day after that, and have a good conversation today.

I laughed out loud when I first saw the laundry basket that Roy uses. It’s so small it barely holds a towel and a pair of jeans.
Mine is so large, you can fit three small children in it and pull it around the room like it’s a car.

When Roy gets frustrated with me I say, “Your life would be so boring without me!”
And he agrees.

Learn How To Manage Your Differences

If you and your partner are struggling with some of each other’s behaviors, taking a personality assessment and receiving some coaching will help you better understand and manage your differences.

I can provide this for you. Just get in touch and I’ll take it from there .

bscb0781-njj4ghozo1sabnbv